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why can't I feel anything for anyone other than you?
June 11th, 2009
February 22nd, 2008
February 5th, 2008
Well don't let your mouth start nothing that your ass can't stand. When you gone to get married? YOu need to have some babies. It'll settle you.
I don't want to make somebody else. I want to make myself.
Hell ain't things lasting forever. Hell is change. Not only did men leave and children grow up and die, but even misery didn't last. One day she wouldn't even have that. This very grief that had twisted her into a curve on the floor and flayed her would be gone. She would lose that too.
No, not Sula. Here she was in the midst of it, hating it, scared of it, and again she thought of Sula as though they were still friends and talked things over. That was too much. To lose Judea nd not have Sula to talk to about it because it was Sula that he had left her for.
He dragged her under him and made love to her with the steadiness and intensity of a man about to leave for Dayton.
Every now and then she looked around for tangible evidence of his having ever been here. Where were the butterflies? the blueberries? the whistling reed? She could find nothing, for he had left nothing but his stunning absence. An absence so decorative, so ornate, it was difficult for her to understand how she had ever endured, without falling dead or being consumed, his magnificent presence.
I don't want to make somebody else. I want to make myself.
Hell ain't things lasting forever. Hell is change. Not only did men leave and children grow up and die, but even misery didn't last. One day she wouldn't even have that. This very grief that had twisted her into a curve on the floor and flayed her would be gone. She would lose that too.
No, not Sula. Here she was in the midst of it, hating it, scared of it, and again she thought of Sula as though they were still friends and talked things over. That was too much. To lose Judea nd not have Sula to talk to about it because it was Sula that he had left her for.
He dragged her under him and made love to her with the steadiness and intensity of a man about to leave for Dayton.
Every now and then she looked around for tangible evidence of his having ever been here. Where were the butterflies? the blueberries? the whistling reed? She could find nothing, for he had left nothing but his stunning absence. An absence so decorative, so ornate, it was difficult for her to understand how she had ever endured, without falling dead or being consumed, his magnificent presence.
I am driving home past the house where my child was conceived. I wonder if love is a ghost like death. I wonder if whoever sleeps in that bedroom now can feel the ghost of my love and my ex-husband's love at the moment we made our girl. The ghost of our love for each other is long gone to its place. But the ghost of our love for her still hovers in that tiny blue bungalow not so far from the sea. We both wanted her so much. We dreamed her so hard that finally she came to be. Now she is long legs and loose curls and eyes blue with sad love. Blue like that house where she was conceived. Blue like the sea to which I walked, she in my belly. Blue like the sky over that sea, filled with clouds like white apple blossoms. Then in another house, her brother came, another dream. I fell to my knees with my love for him before he was born just as I fell to my knees in grief when the first baby's heart didn't beat. Now my son is strong torso and quick feet and eyes green with the reflection of spring. Green like the house we moved into when I left his daddy. Green like the lawn shot bright with dew. Green like the leaves growing over the secret room. I have no right to cry as I drive home alone to the new yellow house. Yellow as sunlight that shines in the glass. Yellow as roses that dream in the garden. Yellow as lemons that hang on the tree. I have no right to cry; this is love that I have. Someday when we are gone the ghost of our love will sing and dance in this yellow house and whoever lives here will feel it and smile in their sleep. I wonder, if I could dream my children here with my wanting, why can't I dream you too, to be? You with your hands and your smile and your hair black as the sky, black as the sea, black as the future that shows me nothing of this one last dream.
December 28th, 2007
1) Was 2007 a good year for you?
It was very busy....very good and very bad.
2) What was your favorite moment of the year?
Hmmm....this semester has been pretty amaaaaaazing. So something involving Katie and Julia and Karli and my facebook quotes.
3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?
Of this year? um...the whole mother debacle.
4) Where were you when 2007 began?
At my house, in the kitchen, watching TV, holding a pan, being awkwardly kissed by Will while Jarek basically watched.
5) Who were you with?
Jarek, Will, Baden, my mother, Gusten...Kalev...yeah.
6) Where will you be when 2007 ends?
at my house with Juliana, Jena, Dylan, Geneva, Gusten, Will and possibly Baden!
7) Who will you be with when 2007 ends?
ah well, see above.
8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2007?
I don't even remember what it was.
9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2008?
yes, but it's not formed yet.
10) Did you breakup with anyone in 2007?
hahaha yes. very sad.
11) Did you make any new friends in 2007?
yes
12) Who are your favorite new friends?
Jena!
18) What was your favorite month of 2007?
October, sans boy problems.
19) Did you travel outside of the USA in 2007?
Canada, and ALMOST italy but then no.
20) How many different states did you travel to in 2007?
Colorado, Arizona, New York, New Jersey, California, Delaware
21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2007?
um....somebodys, yes. but it wasn't painful.
22) Did you miss anybody in the past year?
yes
23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2007?
ooooh HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 2. very niiiiiice.
24) What was your favorite song from 2007?
oh shit. NObody's perfect. hardcore.
25) What was your favorite record from 2007?
hmmmm. mayyyybe....ooooh britney spears!
26) How many concerts did you see in 2007?
none.
27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2007?
didn't go.
28) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2007?
eh not liek A LOT but yes
29) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2007?
um, not a lot of drugs in types but a lot in quantity.
30) How many people did you kiss in 2007?
two
31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
um, yes.
33) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2007?
hmmm I don't know
34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2007?
Yes
35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2007?
Yup.
36) How much money did you spend in 2007?
More than I should have
37) What was your proudest moment of 2007?
oh man I have no idea. probablty something regarding creative writing
38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2007?
i don't know....
39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2007 and change it what would it be?
hmmm probably how i handled the break up
40) What are your plans for 2008?
to be disclosed later!
It was very busy....very good and very bad.
2) What was your favorite moment of the year?
Hmmm....this semester has been pretty amaaaaaazing. So something involving Katie and Julia and Karli and my facebook quotes.
3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?
Of this year? um...the whole mother debacle.
4) Where were you when 2007 began?
At my house, in the kitchen, watching TV, holding a pan, being awkwardly kissed by Will while Jarek basically watched.
5) Who were you with?
Jarek, Will, Baden, my mother, Gusten...Kalev...yeah.
6) Where will you be when 2007 ends?
at my house with Juliana, Jena, Dylan, Geneva, Gusten, Will and possibly Baden!
7) Who will you be with when 2007 ends?
ah well, see above.
8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2007?
I don't even remember what it was.
9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2008?
yes, but it's not formed yet.
10) Did you breakup with anyone in 2007?
hahaha yes. very sad.
11) Did you make any new friends in 2007?
yes
12) Who are your favorite new friends?
Jena!
18) What was your favorite month of 2007?
October, sans boy problems.
19) Did you travel outside of the USA in 2007?
Canada, and ALMOST italy but then no.
20) How many different states did you travel to in 2007?
Colorado, Arizona, New York, New Jersey, California, Delaware
21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2007?
um....somebodys, yes. but it wasn't painful.
22) Did you miss anybody in the past year?
yes
23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2007?
ooooh HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 2. very niiiiiice.
24) What was your favorite song from 2007?
oh shit. NObody's perfect. hardcore.
25) What was your favorite record from 2007?
hmmmm. mayyyybe....ooooh britney spears!
26) How many concerts did you see in 2007?
none.
27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2007?
didn't go.
28) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2007?
eh not liek A LOT but yes
29) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2007?
um, not a lot of drugs in types but a lot in quantity.
30) How many people did you kiss in 2007?
two
31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
um, yes.
33) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2007?
hmmm I don't know
34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2007?
Yes
35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2007?
Yup.
36) How much money did you spend in 2007?
More than I should have
37) What was your proudest moment of 2007?
oh man I have no idea. probablty something regarding creative writing
38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2007?
i don't know....
39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2007 and change it what would it be?
hmmm probably how i handled the break up
40) What are your plans for 2008?
to be disclosed later!
April 8th, 2007
Back in school they never taught us
what we needed to know
Like how to deal with despair
or someone breakin your heart
For twelve years I've held it all together
but a night like this is beggin to pull me apart
I played it quiet left you deep in conversation
I felt uncool and hung out around the kitchen
I remember I kept thinking
that I know you never would
And now I know I want to kill you
like only a best friend could
if i wasn't so in love, i'd feel like a douchebag.
what we needed to know
Like how to deal with despair
or someone breakin your heart
For twelve years I've held it all together
but a night like this is beggin to pull me apart
I played it quiet left you deep in conversation
I felt uncool and hung out around the kitchen
I remember I kept thinking
that I know you never would
And now I know I want to kill you
like only a best friend could
if i wasn't so in love, i'd feel like a douchebag.